I was chatting with Slava about our plans for childcare in the future. And figured I’d let you in on the situation, as well as my largest fear as a new mom. As of now, I will be taking 12 weeks off work. When I return, AJ will be in some form of child care. I’ve been doing some investigating. My options are a day care center, or in-home care. There are pros and cons to each. The biggest pro to in-home care is that it’s usually less expensive. So, I’m leaning in that direction. I’d prefer more personal care, as well as a lower adult/child ratio.
But then comes my biggest fear. I will only have 12 weeks (2 of which will be kind of screwy as he adjusts to the time change), to establish that I’m AJ’s mom and I’m not going anywhere. To me, it definitely doesnt feel like enough time to make that bond. AJ has spent 3 months in an orphanage, with several workers caring for him. And now he will spend 4 months with a foster mom. And just as he has formed a loving bond with her, we will take him away from that.
So, even though we will do our best to meet his needs and establish that bond, I really worry that its not enough time. And then, if he were to spend 9 hours a day with another woman, well, the thought kills me. One woman caring for him for the majority of his waking hours… and its not me? It would only make sense that he would establish a motherly bond with her, as she meets his needs and I’m not there. And that makes me wildly jealous already. Jealous of her and jealous of Steve for he will still remain the Daddy (as Mannies aren’t too common around here).
So, then I lean towards a day care center. Where lots of women will rotate caring for him and he will likely not establish a bond with any of them. But that’s not healthy either! For a child with inherit attachment issues, I’d rather him bond with someone than no one at all. And there are a lot of other cons to day care centers in my opinion.
And so, I continue in this vicious circle. What is best for my son? What will keep me sane? Of course, this could all be dismissed with a “God will take care of it” and He probably will. But it still requires some decision making on my part.
Mind you, deciding to go back to work is not because my job is important to me. I would love to stay home with my child (which is what makes this decision even more difficult). Its strictly a money thing. Granted, its a decision we’ve made. Technically, I could stop working, but that would require many life style changes, that, so far, we aren’t willing to make. Big changes, like selling our house and car and stuff. Crazy.
So, sometimes I feel like bringing a child into this wasn’t a good idea in the first place. Probably should have thought it through more. See, I’m a little bit of a mess with the guilt and the worry. I should probably get used to it though, seems its a common ailment of motherhood.