I’ll admit something to you right now… I was dead wrong about me and motherhood. I had some rosey glassed idea that becoming a mother would be the most perfect, natural thing for me. That I would finally feel complete, whole, worth something. I had felt for a couple of years that being a mother, raising children, was my calling in life. And it might still be… but if it is, its the hardest freakin thing I’ll ever do.
I cant say I’ve often felt mom-like these days. There isnt much instilling of knowledge or teaching of morals with a 7 month old. I feel more like a zoo keeper for a fast paced endangered species. Making sure he’s fed, dry, doesnt hurt himself on anything, and constanting praying that he’ll just stop moving so I can have a moments rest. Frustrated by circumstance (“Its 4 in the morning, please just TELL ME whats wrong and I’ll fix it!”) and disappointed in myself for lacking patience. But I guess all those things is what makes a mom a mom, just nobody bothered to tell me.
Things are getting easier. They are feeling less foreign to my life, and more normal. I’m thankful for that. I should be thankful for a night of rest, but then a night of the opposite follows, so that restful night just feels like a cruel joke.
My point is, I had no idea, at all, that becoming a mom would be this hard for me. So, I just want to put it out there. I mean, it might just be me. But usually thats not the case. I suppose its something that other moms can tell you, and you just dont see it until you’re there. Or, other moms dont want to mention it, for fear of ending mankind. Or, the smiles and laughs and wonderful moments make you forget how hard each day is.
Cause I wouldnt trade this boy for anything. Steve asked if I still wanted to be a stay-at-home mom… and I said yes. Somebody has to take care of him and I love him the most. I’m not saying the job will be a cake walk (man, I could go for some cake right now), it will probably be the most challenging thing I’ll ever do. But I’d rather it be me than anyone else. Oh, and I’d hate to have to admit that someone out there, who isnt even his mom, might be better at it than me. Heh.