Whats interesting about adopting is you can totally back out. When you’re pregnant, you’re kinda stuck with it. There’s no backing out, really. (well, besides the obvious way… but thats big stuff).
Right now, I could totally back out. And blame it on whatever… we couldnt come up with the cash or something.
I dont think I’m actually considering backing out. I’m just, not as excited as I was last week. I mean, really, I havent blogged about it all week. I havent done any research. I put it on the back burner cause other stuff started taking up my time, but also because of the whole Cooper scare.
Now that I’ve realized I cant do it on my own… well, its a whole new story. I’ve never been good at being dependent on other people. And though I realize it takes a village, and I have the most wonderful villiage anyone could ask for, still, I figured it’d be me, raising my child. Even though the husband will be helpful, I still expect it’ll be me carrying the responsibility. So, I kinda figured I’d take what I could get from him, but worst comes to worst, at least I knew I could do it all on my own.
But I cant.
So, now, is it really such a good idea?
I suppose I’ll have to let God decide. Because, if He’s feeling its a bad idea, He’ll make the call. I’ll go forward with it, cause of the pressures, but God, You can close the door if You think I’m making the wrong move. Or maybe You want me to be more dependent on You. Yeah, good luck with that, Buddy.

This afternoon, I babysat TG. I love babysitting TG. We have good times. They are most certainly my favorite little people. They are probably the main reason I got to the point where I want to have kids of my own. That and the fact that I’m getting old.
Anyway. TG were playing with my cats. B & C. B has a toy that my mom gave her for Christmas. Its a mouse on an elastic string. B has great fun. But, C has a history of swallowing strings (as much as 6 feet! (and that resulted in a trip to the vet, an endoscopy, and a very very large vet bill (on Christmas eve (last year) nonetheless)). I really did learn my lesson with that event and have been so careful to only keep B’s toy out while supervised.
So, TG have the toy, and they’re walking around the living room, as C is chasing the mouse on the string. Prior to this moment I had warned TG that Cooper has deep affection for string, and he’ll swallow it all if we’re not careful. (I didnt word it like that, more of, You can play with the toy, but dont let C chew on the string, he’ll eat it and get sick).
I was in the kitchen, starting dinner.
Moments later, TG joined me in the kitchen, complaining of being hungry, asking what we’re having. The usual.
After I got the pasta boiling, I stepped into the living room, and thats where I found C, lovingly, passionately, defiantly, chewing on the string. Well, it might be more accurate to say, swallowing the string. Cause when I pulled the mouse away from his mouth, there was only an inch of string attached to it. The rest, was in his belly.
I quickly went and found my husband, to tell him the terrible news. I knew what this meant, that was far too much string for him to pass aww naturalle, and we would have to take him to the vet. (Again).
Turns out we’re still “in between” vets. Our vet closed shop (for family reasons, she was a great vet. Wicked with an endoscope). Also turns out this story occurred around 4pm on a Saturday afternoon. And vets dont work on Saturday afternoons. So, after much calling around, we got referred to an (undoubtedly expensive) emergency hospital (in Cary!).
We have a friend (who will now go down as “great friend”) that is a vet. I called her once, no answer.
Then, C & R arrived. I had invited them over for dinner after their movie. But we told them the news, and that we’d be traveling to the vet soon, and they took my half cooked dinner home to eat it (yes, that means I am now without dinner).
Then I got a hold of The Great Friend Vet. She suggested that we give C some hydrogen peroxide and induce vomiting.
So, thats what we did. We fed him a can of cat food (his lucky day, ay?) and then gave him 5 CCs of HP (thank God I hold onto silly things like syringes).
We waited. I cried and cried and cried.
And then, finally he threw it all up. In one big (disgusting) bleeeeh. I thanked God and cleaned up the mess. No endoscopy on a Saturday night for us.

And what does ALL of this have to do with adoption?
What do you think was going through my head while I cried and cried and cried?
I am in NO WAY fit for parenting. If I cant boil a pot of water and keep my cat from swallowing two feet of string, how can I possibly be a parent? Babies put things in their mouth all the time! I realize I have the human gag reflex on my side… but really, its not just swallowing. Here I was, thinking I was a great multitasker, thinking I was responsible, and mindful, and and smart! And then this, Day Two of Journal of an Adoption and I BLOW it. No parenting for me. I should even reconsider owning pets!
I dont really mean all this. But I did cry about it for a good hour. I am certainly more scared about parenting than I was before. Maybe thats why this happened, maybe I was getting comfortable with my skills. Just the other day I bragged about being able to change a diaper and do whatever else at the same time. Clearly, thats not true. Lesson learned, one thing at a time, babe.
In case you’re concerned, C is perfectly fine. He’s totally back to normal (sneak attacks on B, looking for more things he shouldnt eat). I’m the one with puffy eyes.

I chickened out on telling a friend the big news today. R and I met for lunch, as we do almost weekly. I had every intention of telling her (I know she’ll be excited and supportive) but next thing I knew, the conversation had gotten on a different track and something that should have been a first thing announcement didnt get said. This isnt the kind of thing you tell over empty plates.
I think I’m a little afraid of how our dynamic will change. R is a mom of two. Two delightful girls that I love so so much. But if you talk with R for a minute, you’ll know that she’s not at all fond of babies. And I’ll be introducing a baby into our dynamic. Not only that, but I’ll change from young married childless friend (go anywhere, do anything, not tied down) to a mom. I think it’ll be a turn off for R.
So, I’m a little nervous about that change.
Just like last night, after all the excitement, and I was sitting on the couch thinking about how I’ll organize baby toys in my beautiful, stylish, simplistic, living room. And how I dont really have any more storage space in my kitchen for baby things.
And my poor poor cats. They wont do well with a baby in the house. (God please help my cats to adjust well, and please help us to not neglect them).
Yep.

“He who receives you receives me, and he who receives me receives the one who sent me. Anyone who receives a prophet because he is a prophet will receive a prophet’s reward, and anyone who receives a righteous man because he is a righteous man will receive a righteous man’s reward. And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to on of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose my reward.” (Matthew 10:40-42, NIV).

The purpose of this journal is to serve as documentation (and maybe later, reference) for our journey in adopting a child. I hope to include helpful information about adopting, document the experience itself, and also journal as I, a mom 2 be, am feeling about the whole process.

Yesterday we met with our pastor, to tell him that we want to adopt a child. He was incredibly excited and supportive and the things he said got us excited but also reassured us of God’s divine plan. If you step back for a minute, it really is amazing how we got to this point. God’s been working (for, like, ever) for this very thing. I know I’m unique (as is my husband) but I really feel special to be chosen by God for this great work.

We left our pastor’s office encouraged and a little nervous. So much lies ahead, and, though we’re not on our own, it’ll be an experience that not too many people we know can relate to. If I were pregnant, other women would give me advice on how to ward off morning sickness. I dont know anyone (personally) that has adopted (internationally) so, we’re on our own.
However, I am confident that God will guide us. (Lord please please guide us. Please make the answers clear and the decisions obvious).

The next real step is to decide on an agency. This agency will lead us through the process and represent us in a foreign country. Their reputation with the country has a lot to do with how much we’ll have to pay, and the care of our child. I’m currently researching several agencies and will narrow them down before sharing them with my husband. Together, we’ll make the final decision and apply to one agency. Application fees average $200, so we’d only like to do this once. Some agencies only represent certain countries, while we’ve narrowed it down to a preferred few, the agency may also decide the country.

South Korea is on the top of our list. Guatemala and Vietnam are also high. We would love to adopt from China, but the country requires you to be 30 years old (so, once we are, we plan to).

Money is the big thing right now. We’re taking the leap of faith. We dont have any money saved up and we have an obscene amount of debt. But as our pastor said “Where God guides, he provides.” I’d like a verse to tie with that…

As for telling people… its a little weird. Some people will be supportive. But I’ve already encountered people who dont get why you’d adopt when you can have your own children (they were talking about Angelina Jolie, but still). I know my close friends will be nothing but supportive and I’m excited to start telling them.
Our family, well, they’re another story. So, we wont be telling them until we’ve gotten past the Home Study. That’s the big hurdle that could make or break us. I cant see a real reason why someone would deny us of adopting (if morons can bring children into the world all on their own, why in the world cant I pay 20 grand for one). So, I’d like to be optimistic about all that. But, it’ll be easier to explain something so foreign to my family once I have more details and its pretty official. My husbands family will probably be the easier of the two. I dont see either being less than supportive, but my family just might not “get it.”

So, yeah. We’re adopting a child. I’m gonna be a mom.