The other day, at small group, I was sharing during our prayer request time. Just about our general frustration and the disappointment of hearing that we were the only family in December not to receive a referral. The majority of the people I was sharing with have been with us since the beginning, praying for us regularly. They know us well. But there was also one new couple there. So, all they knew was what they had gathered from my speaking, which wasnt much. I sensed the guy had something to say or ask, so I turned towards him. And he said it me “Well, you know, most adoptive mothers usually have children of their own after they adopt.” In such a “it’ll be okay, dont worry” kind of way. I was speechless. I stumbled over my words and eventually said something like “oh, no, well, we’re adopting because we want to.” Which isnt even a proper thing to say, since whatever path you take to adopting has little to do with desire. I was just surprised by his very quick assumption that infertility was an issue. And I’m always bothered by the “child of your own” phrasing. And that it seemed to be the first thing that came to his mind. I was surprised that he would allude to something as personal as infertility, considering that we had just met. Like I said, it really threw me off. I wish I would have handled it better, and maybe informed him a little more. Hopefully I’ll have more opportunity to speak to him about adoption as our first choice.

No offense to anyone, as I’m pretty sure the majority of people that read this blog have said this to me at one time or another…
But, have you ever noticed how people only mention “God’s timing” when things are moving slower than we’d like? I mean, I understand that it’s usually used as a way to comfort someone when they’re frustrated, and remind them of who is in control and that if you’d want anyone to be in control, who better than an omnicient, powerful God? But still. Why dont we ever talk about God’s perfect timing when things go super fast? Or, when things follow the perscribed timeline to a tea? Its only when God surprises us or goes against what we think is best that we chalk the timing up to him.
It makes me feel out of sync with God when I dont understand his timing. I sit and wonder what his reason is for making this take so long. Is there something I should be doing? Am I not ready to be a mom? If so, just tell me what it is and I’ll do it. Come on. But nothing. Up until this point, I considered myself a pretty patient person. Its even a description of me in a recent personality test. But lately, I have just been stretched to my limit.
And then I think, what the heck am I whining about? Waiting? Thats all? Nobody is in danger, nobody is sick and dieing. Whats the big deal? Why is just waiting so torturous?

Every month or so, we get an update from our agency, FCA, on the Korea program. Its an email sent out to all families in the Korea program, regardless of stage. Most often, its information I already know. But this time, there was a suprising (and depressing) bit of information.
“All the families we sent in November have received referrals.  Five packets were sent in December.  We have one family from December that is still awaiting a referral.”
We are that one family. I dont know why, they gave me no explaination when I inquired more. Thats just the way it is. No real reason. Its not like we’re being deliberately shafted or anything. Just the way the chips have fallen, it seems.
Still, its hard not to wallow in the exclusion. I dont understand it.
It seems very likely, at this point, that we will not receive a referral till May or June. I dont know why I even bother keeping track of this stuff, since the timeline keeps moving. *sigh*

If comparing this adoption to pregnancy, I’m currently at that stage in labor where you swear you will never do this again. I’m so tyerd of the waiting and the not knowing and not getting my questions answered. I’m so tyerd of revamping my timeline. I’m tyerd of walking by the empty room where my baby is supposed to be. I’m tyerd of wanting, of not understanding God, of having to say “no, nothing yet, we’re still waiting for the call.”

“Hurry with your answers, God! I’m nearly at the end of my rope. Dont turn away, dont ignore me. That would be certain death. If you wake me in the morning with the sound of your loving voice, I’ll go to sleep each night trusting in you. Point out the road I must travel. I’m all ears, all eyes before you. Save me from my enemies, God - you’re my only hope. Teach me how to live to please you, because you’re my God.” - Psalm 143:7-10