Pretty much every friend of mine that has had a baby recently, has (in one way or another) said “Everything changes when you have a baby.” Which is something I think “yeah yeah, I know.” and then list in the head all the things I refuse to let change. Thankfully, since our referral, I’ve begun to loosen my grip on some things. I’m okay with the fact that I wont sleep like I do now. Ever again, apparently.

3 Changes I’m Okay With
1. Lack of sleep, forever and ever, amen.
2. Taking 20 extra minutes just to get out of the house.
3. Turning down the tv.

3 Changes I’m Not Okay With (but hope to be soon)
1. my relationship with Steve
2. eating healthier, but not as regularly
3. watching less tv

3 Things That Will Not Change (I hope)
1. my service/involvement at newhope
2. the basis of my friendships
3. my baking habit

I feel like the things I dont want to change need more explanation. I know these things will not remain exactly as they are now. I’m willing to be flexible. Perhaps I wont be able to serve as much, or bake as much, or hang out with my friends as much. But I will likely sacrifice more sleep to maintain these things and keep them as close to what they are now. The good thing is, the majority of my friends go to my church and eat what I bake.

The only change I didnt mention is the one that plagues me the most. Its probably kind of silly, and I’m sure I’ll figure out a solution eventually. I’m trying to figure out our evening schedule, once I go back to work. And mostly, how can I fix dinner, and spend time with AJ. Its a hard one to juggle. I know, for Steve and I, we’re better if we eat before 8pm. But now, just on my own, I usually cant get a fresh meal on the table before 7pm. There seems to be no way to do that, and pick up a baby from day care, spend some time loving on him, feed him dinner, get him ready for bed, love on him a little more. Do I give up home cooked meals? Do I cook a big meal on the weekend and eat left overs all week? Do we resort to cereal? Do I venture out and do Dream Dinners, even when I dont like 75% of the things on their menu? Yeah, it’ll be a tricky one. I’m interested to see how it works out.

And thats how I feel about change.

Happy 5 months old to AJ! I wish I could be there to celebrate with you, my sweet baby boy! I hope you’ve had a wonderful day. Who knows, maybe your package will arrive today! But if not, just know that Omma loves you!
Omma nun Kunyoung ee lul sah rang hey yo!

Can you believe it was a month ago that I received The Call? I’ll be the first to admit, this went by crazy fast. I mean, I spent a few days high as a kite, followed by gathering a lot of paperwork. Followed by two weeks of “oops, we forgot to tell you we need this form.” and now here we are! May is already crazy booked (lots of out of town guests and two baby showers!), and June will be the real buckle down and get ready month. I think, once the baby gates are up, and the crib is put together, thats when it will start to feel like something is missing. But for now, I’m trying to enjoy each day, and trying not to forget how I felt a month ago today!

My friend Christine is amazingly good at understanding what God is trying to teach her in midst of a trial. Whether it be cutting their income in half, trying to get pregnant, leading a ministry, waiting for test results… she can always say “God was trying to teach me this, and I’m so thankful.”
I can not. I’m amazed by her ability to do it. I’m slightly jealous. I shake my head and think, wow, how can she do that?
Cause I look back on The Wait for The Call. And it was still hell. I didn’t come out of it having learned anything. I don’t feel better for having waited. If anything, I’m less patient and more worn out than before. Perhaps I did it wrong. I mean, I did spend the whole time without surrender (though I’d like to think I didn’t quite realize it). One view would be that the wait was my own fault. Maybe it would have been shorter if I had given it up a lot sooner. Of course, the other view is that AJ is meant to be my son and he wasn’t ready to be referred until that point. So, the wait was the wait. And it felt like forever, but it was really only about 10 months. I survived, and my selective amnesia will probably kick in soon and I’ll want to do it all over again. In the long run, when I have AJ in my arms, I will probably be thankful for it. The wait was part of the journey, and its not like I didn’t know that going into it.
But let me document it now. For the future, and for anyone else in my similar situation. It sucked.

I was chatting with Slava about our plans for childcare in the future. And figured I’d let you in on the situation, as well as my largest fear as a new mom. As of now, I will be taking 12 weeks off work. When I return, AJ will be in some form of child care. I’ve been doing some investigating. My options are a day care center, or in-home care. There are pros and cons to each. The biggest pro to in-home care is that it’s usually less expensive. So, I’m leaning in that direction. I’d prefer more personal care, as well as a lower adult/child ratio.
But then comes my biggest fear. I will only have 12 weeks (2 of which will be kind of screwy as he adjusts to the time change), to establish that I’m AJ’s mom and I’m not going anywhere. To me, it definitely doesnt feel like enough time to make that bond. AJ has spent 3 months in an orphanage, with several workers caring for him. And now he will spend 4 months with a foster mom. And just as he has formed a loving bond with her, we will take him away from that.
So, even though we will do our best to meet his needs and establish that bond, I really worry that its not enough time. And then, if he were to spend 9 hours a day with another woman, well, the thought kills me. One woman caring for him for the majority of his waking hours… and its not me? It would only make sense that he would establish a motherly bond with her, as she meets his needs and I’m not there. And that makes me wildly jealous already. Jealous of her and jealous of Steve for he will still remain the Daddy (as Mannies aren’t too common around here).
So, then I lean towards a day care center. Where lots of women will rotate caring for him and he will likely not establish a bond with any of them. But that’s not healthy either! For a child with inherit attachment issues, I’d rather him bond with someone than no one at all. And there are a lot of other cons to day care centers in my opinion.
And so, I continue in this vicious circle. What is best for my son? What will keep me sane? Of course, this could all be dismissed with a “God will take care of it” and He probably will. But it still requires some decision making on my part.
Mind you, deciding to go back to work is not because my job is important to me. I would love to stay home with my child (which is what makes this decision even more difficult). Its strictly a money thing. Granted, its a decision we’ve made. Technically, I could stop working, but that would require many life style changes, that, so far, we aren’t willing to make. Big changes, like selling our house and car and stuff. Crazy.
So, sometimes I feel like bringing a child into this wasn’t a good idea in the first place. Probably should have thought it through more. See, I’m a little bit of a mess with the guilt and the worry. I should probably get used to it though, seems its a common ailment of motherhood.