I’ve just finished my 6th week off work. And juuuust as I’ve gotten used to spending my day caring for my baby, I’m gonna switch it all up and head back to work. Thankfully, I have the option of starting slow, and will be working 20 hours a week for the next six weeks. The only upside for you all, is that I should be able to blog more.

AJ received his Permanent Resident card in the mail this week. I didnt even know it was something to expect, but it was pretty cool to get. Now he can work in the US. Finally, we can start making some money back.

I’m in denial about it, but its possible that AJ has started saying momma. Its more of a “mmmm ma” which could be his combination of “omma” (the Korean word for mom) and “momma”. He seems to say it directly to me, when he wants to be picked up out of the crib, playpen or excersaucer. But everytime I think “nah, couldnt be.”
He’s also gotten a little clingy lately. It can be frustrating when I’m trying to do something, but most of the time I’m just flattered. The fact that he’s more content to play when holding on to my finger, or resting his hand on my leg, makes me feel very loved.

AJ is 8 months old today. And I’ve known him personally for 4 weeks today. He’s definitely the most awesome baby I’ve ever met.

Three Things That Amaze Me:
1. That on very little sleep, he’s still smiling and happy and full of energy. I am the opposite.
2. My voice seems to sooth him. He loves when I sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
3. He’s mine! How lucky am I?

Three Things I Love About Him:
1. When he giggles and smiles in his sleep.
2. How he screeches when he’s tickled.
3. When he holds on to me, or rests his head on my shoulder.

Three Things I Hate To Love About Him:
1. Even when he’s 90% asleep, as soon as his back hits the crib, his face lights up in the best smile ever. Its frustrating if you think he was totally asleep, but so cute you cant help but smile back. Even at 4am.
2. His Hulk Face. He raises his fists, clenches his teeth and turns his face red. It usually indicates that he’s frustrated or overwhelmed. I feel bad for thinking its so darn cute.
3. Every day is different. Just when I think I’ve got him, he does something new.

I could probably go on and on and on about how hard this job is. But I wont. The lack of blogging should speak for itself.

Rachel and I were talking about single parents, specifically ones we know, and how they do it. I cant even imagine. Sometimes, it feels like I’m on my own, but a couple hours later, I can hand him over to Steve and regroup. To be completely on your own, to not have a moment to regroup, to shower, to sleep, to blog, to breath… I dont think I could do it. Hats off to each and every one of them. Really, I cant think of a harder job.  

AJ had his first US doctor’s appointment on Monday. He weighed in at 21 pounds, 6 ounces and 28 inches long. That puts him somewhere in the 80th percetile.
Other than that, our doctor was very pleased to meet him (he had reviewed his records when we got our referral) and said he looked great. Developmentally, he’s right on track. And clearly he’s of a healthy size. He was only one vaccine short, and he took it like a champ (showed his mom up big time).
All in all, we couldnt have asked for a better first doctor’s visit.

I’ll admit something to you right now… I was dead wrong about me and motherhood. I had some rosey glassed idea that becoming a mother would be the most perfect, natural thing for me. That I would finally feel complete, whole, worth something. I had felt for a couple of years that being a mother, raising children, was my calling in life. And it might still be… but if it is, its the hardest freakin thing I’ll ever do.
I cant say I’ve often felt mom-like these days. There isnt much instilling of knowledge or teaching of morals with a 7 month old. I feel more like a zoo keeper for a fast paced endangered species. Making sure he’s fed, dry, doesnt hurt himself on anything, and constanting praying that he’ll just stop moving so I can have a moments rest. Frustrated by circumstance (”Its 4 in the morning, please just TELL ME whats wrong and I’ll fix it!”) and disappointed in myself for lacking patience. But I guess all those things is what makes a mom a mom, just nobody bothered to tell me.
Things are getting easier. They are feeling less foreign to my life, and more normal. I’m thankful for that. I should be thankful for a night of rest, but then a night of the opposite follows, so that restful night just feels like a cruel joke.
My point is, I had no idea, at all, that becoming a mom would be this hard for me. So, I just want to put it out there. I mean, it might just be me. But usually thats not the case. I suppose its something that other moms can tell you, and you just dont see it until you’re there. Or, other moms dont want to mention it, for fear of ending mankind. Or, the smiles and laughs and wonderful moments make you forget how hard each day is.
Cause I wouldnt trade this boy for anything. Steve asked if I still wanted to be a stay-at-home mom… and I said yes. Somebody has to take care of him and I love him the most. I’m not saying the job will be a cake walk (man, I could go for some cake right now), it will probably be the most challenging thing I’ll ever do. But I’d rather it be me than anyone else. Oh, and I’d hate to have to admit that someone out there, who isnt even his mom, might be better at it than me. Heh.